West is best

Melville West have triumphed over Melville East in the annual intra-club fixture which has superceded the Married v Singles match from earlier years.

But a seemingly routine 2-0 win for Wests was not without controversy.

Victorious Wests skipper Antonia Timings took exception to pre-match banter from Easts, which suggested she and her team mates had prematurely aged.

“You look like you’ve just walked out of a retirement village,” snarled gobby-mouthed Easts 15-year-old defender, Thomas “Likeable” Mouncher, at his opponents.

Schoolteacher Timings took offence at that, calculating the average age of her team was 19 years, 3 months, and six days.

“I don’t think anyone in my team could ever call Thomas ‘Likeable’ again,” Timings said. “Even his dad (Neil) is nicer.” [NB. Long-serving club members vigourously dispute this – Website editor.]

Meanwhile Mouncher has been banned from playing in next year’s fixture after failing to attend the Melville AGM afterwards.

Timings named herself as player of the day after setting up Josh Nooijens for one of the goals, while Tim Chhong scored an own goal.

Before kick-off there were awkward moments when Easts needed to borrow three players from Wests.

Among the cast-offs Timings dumped with Easts was her own sister, Selena.

“Selena will always be like family to me, but you can’t get too sentimental when there is a trophy at stake,” Timings explained. “The bottom line is Selena was our weakest link and she understands that.”

Selena Timings was happy to play for the losing East team

After playing all season in goal Selena Timings struggled to make a big impression on the left wing for Easts, particularly when compared to Wests speedster Nooijens.

In her victory speech Antonia Timings said her team was humble in victory, but thankful that skill and team work remain a bigger determinant of football matches than cheap banter.

In the wake of the match Timings has been forced to wear a moonboot on her left leg. She would not be drawn on whether the injury had been the result of a very bad tackle by Mouncher, who was possibly frustrated by playing on a losing side after talking such a big game.

Likeable, a business partner in Mouncher & Son Painting, forfeited the right to comment after skipping the AGM, where the Brian Coe Trophy was presented.

# Melville’s AGM celebrated northern league promotion with a record points tally, academy expansion from 30 youths to 120, a record 19 senior and youth teams, and an excellent pool of coaching and management resources, evidenced by Sam Wilkinson being selected for assistant coach for New Zealand U-17s, Michael Mayne being selected as assistant coach for New Zealand Women’s under 17s, where Max Tommy is also goalkeeper coach, and Seamus Marten acting as All Whites manager during the season.

The club record a small 4-figure operating profit, but a deficit after depreciation charges were applied to annual financial statements.

Northern league co-coach Sam Wilkinson told the meeting Melville would be prepared for the challenge of northern premier league football in 2019, but his squad may be a year off from a serious title challenge.

New members of the club’s management committee are Subesh Naidu and Scott Clark.

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