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The Characters United football franchise secured its first taste of silverware last weekend, taking out the 24 team - Mount Maunganui Labour weekend tournament.
A whirlwind three days of sex, booze and withdrawals could not stop the Characters juggernaut from blitzing the tourney field with seven wins, one draw and only two goals conceded.
The action began on Friday afternoon when Characters congregated from all across the North Island to meet for some team bonding at Seagulls Backpackers. Gaffa Andrew Phipps was first to check in and gave the backpackers owner a bit of a shake up.
"I saw what looked like an extremely large drunken bear of a man stumble out of the van, set up some kind of drinking couch on the side of the road, and knock down the booze like water," she later recalled.
The quick arrival of such sensible, respectable characters as Ceri James, Tom Edmunds, Nathan Holten and Matt Parkin soon put her mind at ease and the weekend was off to a flyer.
The Characters soon moved onto the Melik where the Gaffer was trying to sell the captaincy to the highest bidder. Eventually common sense prevailed and the oldest member of the squad, Gav Douglas, was presented with the arm band for the first game.
The 8am wake-up alarm on Saturday was met with pain throughout the camp where speculation was rife about the goings on of the previous night. A large man comatose in McDonalds, the backpackers lounge used for a night of exhibitionist sex and a Welsh lad playing tickle me up with a homosexual at the Karaoke bar were all hot topics, and the early morning banter was good.
The football however was not, and the tourney got off to a rusty start with a gritty drunken 1-0 win over some mugs.
Next up we had last year’s champions - a Brazilian team who didn't mind a bit of biffo. But neither did the Characters and pretty soon Holten and Jordy Culpepper were throwing elbows and storming into late challenges. Robbie Greenhalgh even managed to squeeze in a trademark bobsled - his only memorable contribution to the weekend’s football. We ended up winning 1-0 with a late Colin Gardyne special.
We had what seemed like an eternity between games and so the boozing got heavier, reactions slower, and jokes more offensive. We won the next two games, and stumbled to a draw in the last but we had already firmly established ourselves as 'the team with a whole lot of pissed players who used to be good'.
The end of Saturdays play saw an emotional farewell from skipper Gav Douglas whose new 'father figure/family man' role, slightly overpowered his desire to get nude and roll back the years. Mayney was the first one to stick up for him as he knows this may be one of his last weekends with the lads. Then Stu Watene stuck up for Mayney because Bros stick together.
A few of the boys were struggling to back up on Saturday night with most notable 'changed man' being Matt Parkin. The former heart and sole of the Melville drinking community was first home from the Melik and it goes to show that everyone really does grow up at some point.
So we made it to Sunday morning and the state of the side at the 9am kick off was a disgrace. Everyone looked as bad as Greenhalgh had been playing, but somehow we won two games and were into the semifinal.
There we faced an Auckland side who - for some reason - could only muster up nine players, and so the Gaffer implemented some tactical challenges. First he decided that anytime someone rubbed him the wrong way, they got the hook and second he ordered that whenever he gave the shout 'STOP', the side had to break into 'Hammertime' Dancing. We were soon down to an entertaining 8 players and managed to win 4-0.
And so we were onto the final, where a pretty special Michael Mayne right footer got us off to a good start against a competitive Ellerslie side. Some pretty wayward finishing from one of the strikers kept the Aucklanders in the game until a clinical Nathan Fry strike late in the second half killed the contest.
Welsh Guest player Matty Gullaie was selected as the most appropriate player to receive the trophy at prizegiving, and gave a rousing speech to the packed clubrooms. No one understood a word.
Characters were invited back to the Tauranga clubrooms on Sunday night to watch the World Cup final on the big screen, and arrived to find no one else had turned up. It didn't seem to matter as Ron Boyle still let us in to celebrate the other minor win of the weekend.
A great weekend from everyone involved, there will be a prizegiving at the Welshies house in Hamilton in November to celebrate the awards.
Awards
Tournament MVP: Tom Edmonds, an inspirational leader on the park, didn't put a foot wrong
Close secon: Nath Holten. A master stroke from the Phippsanator to play little Nath at Centre back turned out to be the tactical move of the tournament
Special mention: Jordy Culpepper, Every team needs a player who is a little bit 'special' and our spaceman was better and crazier than anyone elses.
Best Maori award: Tie betweeen Mayney and Stu Watene
Worst player of the tournament: Robbie Greenhalgh.. words can't even.....
Holloway Golden Boot Award: Don Holloway (1 Goal)
Largest man at the tournament Award: Andy Phipps
Most shots fired off the field: Tom Edmunds
Oyster Award: Ceri James
Award for the player who looks most like the coach: Ceri James
Best female fan: Maxine Burberry
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